my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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