oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
