Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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