You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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