Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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