dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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