Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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