cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
