If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
