you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
