She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
