Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
