I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
