Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
