I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
