I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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