I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
