My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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