So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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