I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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