if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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