I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
