I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
