On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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