And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
