You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
