If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
sarcasm needs its own font
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
