It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize