I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My vagina just clenched in fear
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
