im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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