Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize