Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
