I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
