And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I did not marry a roomba.
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