i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
