im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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