connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
