you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
