I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
