If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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