I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We just shotgunned beers for America
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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