ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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