remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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