I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
