Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
