nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
