I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
