I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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