so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
