I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
