meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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