You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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