If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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