He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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