Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
