Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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