I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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