I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
